Are You Just Hearing?

At one point in our lives, I’m sure we have all experienced some of the scenarios involving the opposite sex that are mentioned in Deborah Tannen’s essay, “Sex, Lies, and Conversation.” A frequently occurring incident between my ex-boyfriend and I was that any time we talked, I would dominate most of the conversation and he rarely put any effort into our talks. To make matters worse, I would ask him, “Are you listening to me?” and he would quickly respond with an affirmative yes, but when I asked him to recall what I had just said, he could hardly ever manage to capture even the main idea of what I had been discussing with him. His argument was that he was listening, but he preferred to let me finish my story before making any remarks. Furthermore, since I was putting him on the spot, he had a hard time recollecting what I had just said. I made the dispute that that he could hear what I was telling him, but he just wasn’t listening.

Linguist Lynette Hirschman provided an explanation as to why Andrew seemed like he wasn’t listening when he really might have been. She said, “Women make more listener-noises, such as ‘mhm,’ ‘uhuh,’ and ‘yeah,’ to show ‘I’m with you.’ Men… more often give silent attention” (Tannen 243). Perhaps his way of giving me his undivided attention was by making as minimal noise as possible so I wouldn’t get the impression that he was carrying out other tasks instead of focusing all of his attention on our conversation. In addition, although most women make “listener-noises,” men are expecting them to reciprocate the silence they had previously demonstrated as a sign of respect, and feel that those “mhm’s” and “uhuh’s” are indications of “overreaction or impatience” (Tannen 243).

Another reason for our constant quarrels could’ve had a lot to do with my non-stop chatter to the point where he couldn’t get a word in edgewise. When I finally stopped talking about my current problem with school or with a friend, he would always offer his point-of-view on the matter, which usually differed from the way I saw things. In my mind, he was just trying be difficult by contradicting my thoughts instead of agreeing with me because I was his girlfriend. Tannen believes that, “When most women talk to each other, they assume a conversationalist’s job is to express agreement and support. But many men see their conversational duty as pointing out the other side of an argument” (Tannen 243). If I had had prior knowledge as to how men and women differ in the role of conversationalist, I would’ve been able to understand that it was just in his nature to offer an opposing position, not because he was trying to pick a fight, but to help me understand that my way wasn’t necessarily the right way.